Some random occurrences from over the past week

“What that fuck is that guy doing?” My roommate said aloud as he stood up from his desk alarmed and peered out the back window onto the alley. Behind our apartment are two parking gravel spaces and a slew of trash bins, which every night seem to draw the attention of vagrants.

“What the hell is that guy doing?” He asked again.

“Jeremy, I think there’s some guy smoking crack in the parking lot back here,” He said. Sadly, these types of things cease alarm me and I kept at my book on the couch.

“Wait a sec … is he … taking a piss?” Ryan asked again as he continued to peer out the window. “Fuck. Is he taking his pants off? … I think he’s taking a shit back there? Ha!”

I still don’t get up from my post on the couch, for at this point, I don’t even want to see what’s going on.

Ry stood there for a couple seconds until the guy eventually stumbled away.

“I think we just had a homeless guy take a shit in our backyard.”

The sun wasn’t even down.

Each time I take the back alley to and from the apartment I look at the corner the man may or may not have laid out a deuce and wonder if I should take a look and find out for sure. Over a week later, however, I’ve yet to build up that kind of courage.


The other day I was walking to dinner at a seafood place a couple blocks from our apartment and happened upon a drunken jalopy of a man staggering around the corner of Cortez and Ashland. Just before I walked past him he whipped his junk out and started pissing right on the apex of the intersection. He let a river of urine onto Cortez in broad daylight.

As I passed him and looked to cross Ashland I noticed a cute younger girl crossing towards my direction, the drunken jalopy of a man directly in her line of site.

“Oh, God,” I thought to myself. “I bet that’s the first thing she wanted to see when she got off the bus.”


Last week while I was riding my bike down Halsted — right through Cabrini Greens — I noticed some large middle aged women hunched over on the sidewalk with her right hand dug deep down into the front of her pants. She was either scratching the shit out of her crotch or masturbating intensely (I couldn’t figure out.)

Pedaling past on the street I could hear her deep moans of satisfaction: “Uhhhh. Uhhhhh.”